Here’s to hoping..

I got a call today for a job interview Wednesday!! Not going to hold my breath but at least I finally got a call back!! It’s for Micheal’s and it’s seasonal part time that could turn into full time permanent!! Yay!

When will I learn??

I never thought the day would come where I would once again be broke with no food. It’s one thing to be broke, I’m used to that but I have always had food in the house. Maybe not for me, for my daughter at least. Once again it’s happening and I have no where to turn. I already owe my mom $650 and if I asked my dad the most I get is $50 and while that would put some food in the house, it wouldn’t be much.

So after bills are paid at the end of the month I have $180 to put food in the house, do laundry and whatever else falls in my lap.

On a good note the bf has a job so in three weeks he will be able to help. See the thing is when the decision was made for him to move in, I was under the impression that he had a job lined up.. I was wrong. So it is what it is, however we all know how bad stress is when you have mental illness. It’s a slippery slope and once you start going down it, it’s sometimes hard to stop.

I have asked disability to help me get a job. A program no one was kind enough to tell me as I have been banging my head against the wall for months trying to find one.

I also had to fight, but I’m getting new glasses so perhaps I can actually see and it will help the double vision. The optometrist added to the prism in the lenses to see if that helps.

Other then that, my daughter has had a boyfriend and been dumped since she got home. Thankfully school starts September 5th so that will keep her busy. Other then her attitude she has been good. The attitude I’m used to and know will pass, I’m thankful she hasn’t cut since she has been home from moms.

And the drama continues…

So I realize it’s been awhile since I posted anything here. Truth be told I’ve been a little lost these last couple of months.

Last month my daughter went out to BC to visit Grandma and everything was okay until the Sunday before she came home. That was the only time that she stated she wanted to come home. She left July 1st and came home on July 27th. So that is now the longest that we have been apart. She was stuck helping with summer school for Grade 1-3 for the entire month, which when she agreed to come visit she didn’t realize it was for the whole month. On a good note she needs just 5 more volunteer hours to graduate, so that is one less thing for her to worry about, since she already knows she will get them when she helps out at the open house for her school.

Plus she got some amazing pictures for me. The one thing I miss about BC is the mountains. We have been in Ontario now for 13 years and since there aren’t really any land marks I still get my directions confused.

(Picture from BC below)

This would be one of them. There are too many to add them all, looking at this makes me miss BC even more. The end goal is to eventually make it back there one day. Before my daughter even left my mom asked her to come back for the whole summer. My daughter told her no lol. Guess that didn’t work out so well. My mother is failing to realize that she will be 15 almost 16 next summer. She’s going into Grade 10, so besides friends and boyfriends there is a chance she will have a job. This all has to be taken into consideration, which my mom is obviously not thinking about. As far as my daughter is concerned this is the last trip that she will make out there, and that is her choice.

Yes, she was in a better mood and didn’t cut, which is awesome, but she also missed her friends and everything that is out here. She had a boyfriend about two days after she got back lol they have been dating for 2 weeks or something now. This is where her life is and she’s not going to just drop everything to go visit Grandma because she is the only Grandchild she has access to.

As for me, I didn’t know what to do with myself while she was gone. I did get a boyfriend who is now living with us lol. That was the highlight of what I did while she was gone. I barely ate, barely slept, there was no routine there. I didn’t have to make sure I was up for her (ya okay she’s 14 so I don’t HAVE to be up, but I like to be up) there was no one to cook for other than myself and I hate cooking for me. The only time I cooked was when my boyfriend would be over (before he moved in)

When he wasn’t here it was just me and the cats, and while I didn’t think it was possible, I was going crazier then I already was. But she’s home now and either in her room or out, but at least she’s home.

(Picture of my cat Fatty grazing)

Other then that, well I failed my course I was taking and sadly I need it to move on to Chemistry. The course was Technology Math and I couldn’t for the life of me get past the first module. Sadly that was supposed to just be review. So I have the texts that were for the course and I’m going to try and get my head to wrap around the gibberish that’s in them and try again.

(Picture of my daughters cat Jackie that she sent me on snapchat)

As you can see I have been busy taking pictures of the cats, so that is further putting me into the crazy cat lady position… My mental health has been manageable, mostly I have been ignoring it. Still not medicated, so that’s a good thing. Though I’m not sleeping like I should so it’s only a matter of time, I already know that. My daughter hasn’t cut since before she left for BC, so I’m so proud of her for that. The scary thing is the guy that she’s dating is a cutter and has mental health issues. So now I’m concerned that if he goes down he will drag her down with him. We will cross that bridge when we get there though I guess.

(Picture of my daughters other cat Bailey, this one is funny since she always poses so pretty for the camera.. not so much this time)

So there are many things that are against someone that lives with mental illness. Whether it’s the crippling anxiety that keeps you stuck in one place because you are just physically unable to move. Or the incredible swings of emotions that range from anger out of the blue, to down right want to curl up into a ball depression or just existing. Let us not forget the stigma that is surrounded by mental health, even with all the “good” people are doing trying to get it talked about. Talking about it doesn’t change the stigma, nor does it make people more compassionate.

Now even with depression you have your good days where the day is just good and you have moments of peace and some degree of happiness.

However, in my opinion, I think the worse thing about depression is the suicidal thoughts. Whether you are going to act on them or not, they are always there some times deep enough that you don’t think of them, other times they are at the fore front of every thought that you have. When you are having these thoughts, not to act on, but just because they like to poke their ugly faces up every once in awhile just to remind you that they are there. You can look at your life and KNOW that it’s not bad, you have a roof over your head, you have people that love you in your life, there is some food in the house, basically life right at this moment when you are thinking of suicide that life could be much, much, worse. It doesn’t make you feel any better.

You may or may not have that one person that you can go to and let them know that these thoughts keep poking up, but then there is the thought that you don’t want to burden them. They are a thought, however that’s all they are at that moment. You have no idea WHY you are thinking it and you aren’t planning on actually attempting, so why bring it up at all?

So where exactly does that leave you? Alone with your thoughts, try as you might it just keeps circling around and around in your head.

How do you train your brain for it not go straight to that thought when the stress in your life gets high, or something else is bugging you? Yes there are groups in most hospitals for out patient therapy to help “rewire” your brain, yet the wait list is so long and then once in the group you are in it with a bunch of strangers, where of course if you suffer from anxiety on top of everything else is never a good thing. It doesn’t make you feel like opening up and talking about what’s going on in that messed up head of yours, so you are once again trapped in the never ending cycle of being trapped within your own thoughts.

I broke down..

So I broke down and signed for my daughter to get a belly button piercing..

Now to be fair she paid for it I just had to sign for it.. which I know totally regret because as soon as it was done I got nothing but attitude. This morning I woke up at 5:00 and she had already gone into my room and got a cell. The rule is it stays in my room until I wake up.

Second time in a week. This time she has lost it indefinitely which means she’s grounded to the house. No phone no going out.

On another note I broke up with my boyfriend. There was too much bad then good and it seems that my daughters started with her attitude.. so we shall see.

My mood doesn’t even matter. My daughter and I went for a walk before the whole piercing thing came up and I said twice I was depressed and got no response. Why be open with her when she gives off the air of not caring?

Kick me while I’m down

So I just found out that my daughter who has major depression has blocked me in every way from contacting her and I have no idea what I did.

I’m no longer keeping my head above the water, I’m drowning now.

It’s been one hell of a ride..

You know honestly I don’t know where to begin…

I have noticed that my daughter seems to like to cause her own drama and then gets upset when people start talking behind her back. Is this a regular 14 year old female bullshit? Or is it something else all together?

Her and her boyfriend broke up, basically because she told the social worker at her school about the abuse that was going on in the house. Then he wanted to get back together, so they did.. for a day. Now it’s him calling her names and everything and I keep saying just block him from everything and don’t worry about what he says.

She apparently got a call at about 2:30am Saturday morning from some chick that was threatening her. I told her to block the number, easy to do on an iphone. Now it’s people are calling her ugly behind her back, but she doesn’t know who and they won’t say it to her face. No matter how many times I tell her you can not control other people’s actions or what they say, you can only control how you react.

She says that she doesn’t care, then the next minute she’s cutting herself with the sharpener part of a pencil sharpener. So I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try and keep sharp things that she can use to cut herself, she will find a way. All the while saying she needs to find a different way to deal with her emotions and stress.

So while all this is going on and she can’t stop thinking about her ex, she is now dating a new guy. Apparently she’s taking it slow.. but not the point and not what I suggested she do. That’s where the conclusion is that she likes to create her own drama half the time.

She asked me yesterday if she could try smoking weed… Now we had this conversation the other day that if she wants to try it to do it with my friend so that she is in a safe environment. Well when I made that comment I was thinking a couple more years.. not 14. Nope I was wrong, she wanted to try it so she could forget for awhile about things.. I was like ummm that’s not how it works. The only thing that will heal a broken heart is time.

The funny thing is that she has shown 0 interest in witchcraft.. until now. She was wondering if there was a spell that would help her forget… ummm no, but I can probably come up with something to ease the pain, and once again asked why if she’s not over this one ex is she dating someone else already? Like really?? Take some time and take care of yourself, but I’m just mom, what do I know.

As for me I started a DBT group, the one that I have been waiting for and will be my final one. It’s 25 weeks, every Tuesday. So it’s good because it gets me out of the house but it didn’t help getting a sunburn on my sunburn lol. So that was my Tuesday morning, when I got home I had bought a Timmies for my friend, when I went back to give it to her she was passed out. So I took her dog for a walk. If that wasn’t bad enough I ended up walking to my boyfriends house to give him some stuff he left here last weekend that he needed. So in all I walked 17.3 km, 27,517 steps… which is good but left me on crutches the next day.

Which also happened to be the day I saw the new knee specialist. So I get to his office on crutches, in pain, he sends me to get an xray of my hip. 45 mins of waiting to get the xray done and I’m back in his office. Apparently with all the scans and xrays there is no reason I should be in the amount of pain I’m in… well thank you very fucking much for that. So he’s sending me for another MRI on my knee and that’s it.

As for the pain, Advil and Tylenol spaced out so it doesn’t hurt my stomach.. love doctors, they are so helpful.

My mood has been fluctuating like crazy, part of it is the pain, part of it is the weather, part of it is feeding off the moods of people around me and the other part is that I’m just damaged goods. I’m ok with that.

Yesterday was gorgeous, I just wanted to walk around, but couldn’t because of the stupid crutches.. today pouring rain. Doesn’t that figure lol. I did get my garden going so I have spent as much time outside as I can, weather permitting.

For now off to clean the house, since my allergies are going crazy with the three cats, people cutting their grass and spring in general lol. Hopefully it won’t be as long between posts.

Wow it’s been awhile..

There is so much going on that I just haven’t been able to find the words to write. I know that I need to write more since it does help, it’s just been hard.

My daughter cut up her arms… again last night, by taking the blade from a pencil sharpener. She has a lot going on, however most of it sadly is her own fault. She had a boyfriend, who broke up with her, got back with her then dumped her again. She is now in the process of figuring out whether she wants to get back together with him. He apparently makes her happy. I told her to do  whatever she wants, since she’s going to anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, she is in her own selfish world. She has stopped opening up to me, but it’s ok because she opens up to this boy. Well, what exactly is this boy going to do to help her? Happy Mothers Day to me I guess. I’m at a loss of what to do, she has to find a better outlet then cutting, yet every suggestion I give her gets ignored.

I understand cutting, I used to cut and there are still times that I want to. Sadly cutting is not considered a Mental Health issue, therefore taking her to the hospital is pointless. They don’t have the means to deal with it here anyway she would be sent up to Hamilton, and then there is no way for me to see her. Even the last time she went to the hospital they didn’t do anything but change her meds. When we went to the walk in clinic to get a refill I asked for an increase, since she’s still on the lowest dose. Apparently because she has only been on it for a month, it’s too early….. that’s a first for me to hear that.

I am in the middle of finding a new doctor for us. So that puts a damper on things a bit.

As for me, I have a boyfriend, well an ex boyfriend that we got back together. It’s going well. He wants to be over more then I want him to be, only because I guess he’s finding out that having your own place isn’t as much fun as he thought lol. He’s bored a lot and likes being here since something is always going on here.

I’m so done with everything.

Yesterday

One of the worse days of my life, which says a lot since I have had many of those.

My daughter and I got into a huge fight in the morning which only escalated through out the day.

She found a way to got into messenger (I know not hard these days) and was talking back and forth to her boyfriend. She kept saying how she didn’t want to come home. So everything got blown out of proportion and she ended up telling her boyfriend to meet her at the mall after school.

I told her she needed to come home and talk. So when it was time for her to be home from the bus, she wasn’t and I went into freak out mode. Since she didn’t have her phone I had no clue where she was, how she was or what her state of mind was.

So I did what any parent would do and started heading towards the one location that I knew she was supposed to be.

I was lucky enough to meet her on the way there and she was crying the whole way home. Saying she didn’t deserve me because she always fucks up and whatever else.

When we got home my boyfriend was still here so I asked him to give us some time to work his out and do he left and found a place to sleep for the night.

So my daughter and I talked and worked something out. She is still grounded until at least Friday (which is weird for both of us since I have never had to ground her to the house before, since she never went anywhere) she gets her phone back but while she’s at home she’s only allowed to be on it in the living room. That part I gave up because that’s how she talks to her boyfriend and he does make her happy. So I’m juggling between punishment and her mood in general. As for the other electronics she has lost those.

It doesn’t help that I feel sorry for the kid that she’s dating. His parents apparently are always bitching at him, he goes without dinner and last night he was depressed.

So I was told that part of the reason my daughter doesn’t talk to me is because I tell everyone. Which I don’t but ok.. so I put it in writing that when she talks to me it will stay between her and I and just hope that is enough to get her to open up more to me. Yes she has been honest and open about where she has been going and with who, but I need more then that from her.

For now though things have hopefully settled down a bit.

And so it goes..

Well life around here got interesting in a hurry. My daughter has a new boyfriend, I have an old boyfriend back in my life. My mood is dropping faster then I can stop it and no one seems to be paying attention to that.

So let’s start with me shall we? A week ago Sunday, an ex contacted me and wanted to talk. Now this particular ex, well we never had any real problems. We didn’t fight or argue or anything like that. The issue was his anger and the fact that he used to get into a ton of fights (over what I consider stupid things and none of his business) it finally got to the point where he was so busy fighting to protect others, that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Hence we broke up. That was over 2+ years ago. So we met at the park and talked, during one of our latest thunderstorms the place that him and his “room mate” (ex girlfriend) were staying got flooded. So the landlord offered them a one bedroom for now with my boyfriend moving into his place supposedly today. Well now we are looking at another couple days, I have let him stay here until his place was ready so that he wasn’t stressed living with his ex, with the expectation that today he would have his own place and we could date, not live together. Ya so apparently that didn’t go as planned.

Then there is my daughter. For the first time she brought a guy home, shocking right. We have come to an understanding that truth and honesty will get you more then hiding and me finding out later. So fine, she brought him over and he stayed for dinner on Saturday, Sunday she went over to his house for the day. Only to be home at 8 instead of 7:30 like I told her too. Her excuse was she never got the answer back when she sent me the text asking. So automatic give me your phone. See the amazing thing about cell phones is that if the person isn’t answering your texts it has this neat ability to make phone calls!! Who would have guessed right. So, because apparently I was born yesterday I asked for her ipad as well, since the way that her and her boyfriend talk is through Facebook. So I get it and it’s her bedtime and I start reading their conversation. For the most part it was I love you crap, ok you can’t fall in love in a day but I get it, they are teenagers.

Then I get to one part where he’s talking about riding his bike over here at 3:00am Friday morning and she was going to sneak out of the house because she was feeling “rebellious” not impressed, but I read on. Then the day he was coming to meet me and she made a comment not to mention that anything about me being her “foster mom”… ummmm WTF!! That I have to admit hurt deep, I don’t even know why she would even think of saying that, of course when I asked her this morning I got the usual “I don’t know why I said it”. Finally when she got home on Sunday she sent him a message that she honestly didn’t even want to be home.

That one I got the answer for and that’s because of my boyfriend being here. She feels uncomfortable around him. Why I don’t know. I know that part of her issue with me getting back together with him is because the first time I apparently had a ton of nightmares that I couldn’t be woken up from. See this is where I may lose some of you. I am Wiccan, I am a white witch, meaning I don’t dabble in anything bad, no revenge (though I have been tempted lol) and no hexes or anything like that. I believe what you put out into the world comes back to you threefold. Therefore, everything I do is positive when it comes to spellwork. He however is a Warlock and has done black magic, and it seems that our energies don’t mesh well at times. He hasn’t done any black magic in years, (that I know of) but the fact is he still has. So she is scared that they are going to start up again. Frankly so am I, that’s why I want to date him not live with him. I like my space and my own bed and my quiet time. It’s just a matter of waiting until he can get into his own place.

From there we will see. There are other things that he does that I’m not exactly happy about, but I knew them going in and it’s a part of him. So like it or not I will just have to deal with it. As for my mental health.. perhaps that will be another post at another time.